Vatican Sports Update

In the Race Toward Humility this week, our reigning champion once again is Pope Francis. So far we have seen him way way ahead of any other participant. On Race Day Pope Francis wears a simple wooden cross and white robe. After the heat is finished, he takes the bus back to his apartment.

Toward the end of this week the race became a bit more exciting when a previously unknown contender made a brief appearance. Father Donnelly, a small town parish priest in a rural area was spotted doing his own laundry. Teresa, a parishioner and owner of the Little Flower Flower* shop humbly remarked to reporters, “I don’t see what the big deal is here. Father Donnelly has always done his own laundry, cooking and car maintenance. He presides over a very small county parish and is the only priest for 50 miles. He does his daily errands with a joyful heart.”
*Flower repeated twice is intentional

To everyone at home following the Race Toward Humility, remember you can also participate! Amateurs are especially welcome and encouraged to sign up for this event.

In the beginning when the word was made flesh, instructions for the race were created by the prophets. When you register, these instructions will be mailed to you from the Angel’s office in Paradise. The return address will be God. The black binder will be labeled, “BIBLE.” There is important information inside, so please read carefully.

Please be sure to read and fill out all of the forms in blue or black ink and write neatly. The Race Toward Humility does require some commitment on your part. Race fees have been paid in blood, so there is no need to send a check or money order. Of course registration is your choice due to free will. At the bottom of the registration just above our signature on line Matthew 6:12, you agree to forgive others. You will be disqualified if you do not forgive others; as of course all participants are sinners.

A map will be provided in the registration package. Please note the valley of death in the course. Fear no evil however; a man with rod and a staff will protect you. A shepherd, lambs and sheep will be posted at intersections so that you do not wander far from the path. If even one of the contestants is lost, the next 99 are encouraged to remain the race.

Saints, Inc., the race organizers recommend the following:

Training for the race:

First of all, anyone humble enough to seek out a coach will find one.The best coaches are found below the Star of David and will typically say, “I will do my best to coach you.” Avoid coaches who promise fortune and fame.

The best training methods are listed below:

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  • Clean the bathroom at your office, especially if you have seniority or if you own the company.
  • If you are a beginner, and you own a dog, pick up another dog’s doo doo while you are on a walk. This is an easy way to train since you already have a poo bag with you.
  • If you are the best player in a game of basketball, throw the ball to your team mates so that they can score points.
  • When a product ships, stocks or profits rise, sales increase, or customer feedback is positive, recognize all employees regardless of the position in the company.
  • If you are given an award by an organization, thank God and the people in your life for making this possible.
  • Purchase a used care instead of a new one. For advanced levels: give the price difference to a catholic charity of your choice.

Prior to the race, warm up by:

  • Allowing a car to pass you in traffic and praying for the driver.
  • Parking in the back of the parking lot. Ironically, you will be more flexible and warmed up if the race occurs on a cold or rainy day.

On race day:

  • Pick up cigarette butts or other trash on the race course. Tell no one and be sure that no one sees you.
  • As many times during race day say, “You are right” or “I agree” in any conversation you may have.

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Remember, children under 18 are also welcome to participate. There will be two events scheduled for every age category. They are:

The Last in Line for Recess Relay

Contestants line up at the door. This is the starting gate. When the teacher blows the whistle, the first person in line races to the back. Each contestant competes for the fastest time to the back of the line. The teacher will record the times on a black board. The relay will start after lunch time; so the contestants must be sure all of the opponents have had enough to eat prior to race time.

Biggest piece of pizza give away

Each contestant will be given a medium size pizza with manna from heaven crust; the contestants will be assigned to different grade levels. When the contestant opens the box, they must find the biggest piece of pizza and hand it to the child whom no one likes with the worst attitude, most outdated clothes and messiest hair. This is also a timed event.

If anyone in the crowd begins to cheer the children too loudly, the Vatican recommends the following responses:

  • “Thank you, my parents raised me this way.”
  • “My talent is truly a gift from God.”
  • “I am Catholic. We are called to live out the gospel.”

The Galatians, local chapter 5:22 and 23 will provide refreshments throughout the course. Holy water will also be available for those who hunger and thirst for the Lord. Look for the banners that say, “Meekness is one of the fruits of the spirit – qualities we must possess if we are lead by the spirit.”

The sponsors of the race this year, the Angles, have generously donated two meek tee-shirts for all participants. On the back of the shirts are the following two quotes:

“Humility is not thinking less of yourself, it is thinking of yourself less.” – C.S. Lewis

Or

“Pride makes us artificial and humility makes us real.” – Thomas Merton

The order form for the teeshirts is on the blue and white sheet with the label, “Humility and knowledge in poor clothes excel pride and ignorance in costly attire.” – William Penn. Check the box next to your preference. Tee shirt sizes and colors vary.

If this is your first race, do not think that you must do it alone. There are plenty of spots available on the Newly Baptized team, lead by St. John, and the Fallen Away Catholics team lead by a Faith Formation teacher from your parish. If you follow their examples you are guaranteed to complete the race. Please gather at the hospitality booth near the coffee and donuts tables. There is no need to eat these before the race; it is best to yield to the spectators.

The night before the race, the Vatican recommends a dinner of soup and bread to be in solidarity with Team Poor. This will be an exciting time!

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The music of the angels will be playing post race, so bring a gong and make a joyful noise onto the Lord. We have many great prizes available at the finish line such as eternal life and everlasting life. Extra rewards will be given to the poor in spirit, the merciful, the pure in heart, those who mourn and those who are persecuted in the name of the Lord. We await in joyful hope that you will join us on this lifetime Race Toward Humility!

Note from Beth: If you enjoyed this post, remember to give the praise and glory to the Holy Spirit who inspires all of my writing.

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